The "C" Word

Yesterday I found out that a person I used to work with, Mistress X, has Stage 4 pancreatic cancer. This information has me confused and somewhat remorseful. You see, Mistress X and I's working relationship could be defined much like that of The Joker and Batman.

She was the first person I had ever encountered in the work environment who knew how to play dirty pool and did so with relish. I was still wet behind the ears as a manager and initially held on to the belief that good would prevail over the dark spell she cast across our department. Some of the things she did hurt other people deeply and it seemed she would take joy and pride in how much damage she could do to those she deemed "unworthy". Once it was clear that no one was going to rescue us, I would methodically plot steps for my self preservation and those of others who had the misfortune of displeasing her, planting minefields along the way and hoping she would step on one large enough to topple her from her throne. The office became a battleground between two camps: Light and Dark.

Mistress X eventually fell....done in by an ego that was big enough to accommodate herself and a large SUV of fellow villains. She left the company in shame, followed quickly by several of her devotees.

But she has cancer now. A type of cancer that is particularly cruel and excruciating. According to the Mayo Clinic, Stage 4 cancer is described as:

" Cancer has spread to distant sites beyond the pancreas, such as the liver, lungs and the lining that surrounds your abdominal organs (peritoneum)."

And the prognosis is dark and horrifying:

• Jaundice. Pancreatic cancer that blocks the liver's bile duct can cause jaundice. Signs include yellow skin and eyes, dark-colored urine and very pale stools. Your doctor may recommend that a plastic or metal tube (stent) be placed inside the bile duct to hold it open. In some cases a bypass may be needed to create a new way for bile to flow from the liver to the intestines.
• Pain. A growing tumor may press on nerves in your abdomen, causing pain that can become severe. Pain medications can help you feel more comfortable. Radiation therapy may help stop tumor growth temporarily to give you some relief. In severe cases, your doctor may recommend a procedure to inject alcohol into the nerves that control pain in your abdomen (celiac plexus block). This procedure stops the nerves from sending pain signals to your brain.
• Bowel obstruction. Pancreatic cancer that grows into or presses on the small intestine (duodenum) can block the flow of digested food from your stomach into your intestines. Your doctor may recommend a tube (stent) be placed in your small intestine to hold it open. Or bypass surgery may be necessary to attach your stomach to a lower point in your intestines that isn't blocked by cancer.
• Weight loss. A number of factors may cause weight loss in people with pancreatic cancer. Nausea and vomiting caused by cancer treatments or a tumor pressing on your stomach may make it difficult to eat. Or your body may have difficulty properly processing nutrients from food because your pancreas isn't making enough digestive juices.
• Death. Pancreatic cancer leads to death for most people diagnosed with the disease. Even people diagnosed when their cancer is at an early stage face a high risk of recurrence and death.

Even in our most extreme battles, where we would attempt to discredit each other and professionally drag each other's reputations through the mud, I never wished her physical harm beyond a well deserved swift ass kicking.

But I feel guilty now. As if I had something to do with her diagnosis. And to make the situation worse, she has a one year old child. I am so very lucky to still have my mother in my life - I can't imagine a world without her. This little girl will most likely grow up without the luxury of having her birth mother pick her up when she falls and skins her knees or comfort her when she experiences her first heart break.

I feel an urge to write Mistress X...to let her know I am thinking of her, but I am not sure she would want to hear from me. Would my contacting her as a result of my own feelings of insecurity and mortality only make her feel worse? I am torn inside...sad for her situation, secretly glad it's not me, then awash in guilt for my gladness. I have had my own brush with The "C" Word and nothing has made me feel more vulnerable or frightened. Why have I made it and she most likely will not?